


Practiced in Need

by the_rck



Category: Sharing Knife - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Achieving consciousness, Alien lifecycle, Gen, Non-human POV, Predator POV, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 19:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13981428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rck/pseuds/the_rck
Summary: At first, all was hunger, and self reached for other and pulled. Then self became stronger and more self. Reaching became life because self was never complete, never done, not while there was other.





	Practiced in Need

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Firerose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firerose/gifts).



> Thanks to Tren and Morbane for brainstorming help.
> 
> I had hoped to do something with the pre-Malice world, but everything I tried needed tens of thousands of words to work properly, so I went this direction. Trying to express non-human things in human words ended up being more poetry and more experimental format than I expected, so this is kind of... odd.

At first, all was hunger, and self reached for other and pulled. Then self became stronger and more self. Reaching became life because self was never complete, never done, not while there was other.

But other didn’t want to be self, so self had to understand body and life and energy. Body fought. Life wanted separation. Energy flowed and could be diverted. Self learned sun-- day from night from cloud cover-- and earth-- rock from soil from sand from clay-- and flame-- warm and painful and devouring-- Perhaps self was flame? No. Not that. Perhaps self was wetness? Flowing through, washing away, taking, always taking.

No. Self was self. But energy moved like wetness made of flame. Sun was other too far to reach. Earth was other too big to take in completely, and other grew from earth. Sometimes. Not always. Part and not part.

Movement. Self started rooted. Self reached and reached and then followed hunger to new other. To new _others_. Plural. More than one. Self was never plural. Would never be.

Would be meant future. Future was not now. Future was… possible? Not yet real. Future implied past. Past was not real but real. Maybe real. Self _remembered_.

Some others remembered. Some others remembered… differently. Some others had-- gave-- names. Self was Malice. Hunger was Blight. Hunger was--

Death.

Self did not want death. Self could not allow self to die. Others-- some others-- would kill self, knew how to track self by hunger by flow by body that no longer fought. Bodies. Each other left body, so plural applied. Self had body? Self was hunger and energy and… body. Yes. Hunger and energy rooted in self body.

Self body must be guarded. Ending self body could let other eat self energy. Maybe. Future possible but _maybe_ not. Maybe _not_.

Not.

Thought and plan and self and hunger. Plan for danger. Plan for not death, plan to kill not self. Trap. Make trap. Make other self but not self. Other self could protect self body, find others to fill hunger.

Never filled. Never full. Hunger was always. Self grew. Self reached. Self fell short of enough, of completion. Completion? Lie. Lie was past, future, maybe but… wrong. Lie was language. Lie was trap for mind.

Mind was knowledge. Mind was history. Mind was _human_. Self was not human, but self could know human. Could understand human? Not yet. Maybe soon.

Mind was second hunger, deeper hunger, harder hunger. Mind feeding required intention and choice. Awareness. Cunning.

Delayed gratification. 

Past, future, now, _time_ meant waiting was possible. Waiting that brought more than acting now would. Self hated waiting, but self could wait. Self could choose. Hunger was always, always, always. 

Forever. Forever was wrong. But not forever was death, and death was wrong, too.

Self death was wrong. Was other death wrong? Wrong? Wrong was other idea; wrong was human idea. Wrong was not self idea. Not self did not want death just as self did not want death. Choose. Self? Not self? Always self. Not self becomes self.

Self from not self must be not self before becoming self. Could self become not self the same way not self became self?

Unthinkable.

Unthinkable was thought. Thought was real and not real. Anything become thought was never not self again. Would thought survive death? Not self memories survived. Not self memories conflicted, disagreed with each other. How could memory be and not be? World was. World did not become not world. World did not become different world. Self world was world.

Yes. Satisfying. Mind hunger stilled.

Mind hunger waited. Hunger hunger reached out to consume. If mind hunger could be filled, maybe hunger hunger could be. Maybe.

Reaching for more-- More. Always more.

Mind hunger roused and stilled and roused again. Human hunger could be sated. Mind hunger could be sated. Hunger hunger could not be.

Was hunger hunger the same thing? Was self consuming the right things? Maybe something else would fill the need of hunger hunger. Were there things in the world that self hadn’t found yet? The world was big. Humans knew that. Humans knew horizon and exploration and more and _different_ over the next hill.

Could self find different? Would different sate hunger hunger? Self wanted enough. Enough of something that self hadn’t found yet.

_Yet_.

So self grew stronger, and other selves searched for something to sate self’s hunger hunger. The idea of ‘world’ got bigger. The idea of ‘other’ became more and more alien. The others were not self to each other. Somehow, they could exist as not self together. They were _many_ selves rather than self and other selves. Plural. More than plural. Many.

How did they not devour each other?

Others had _or_. Did self have or? Did self want or?

Self decided it didn’t matter. Self could not survive next to not self. Self required not self energy. Nothing was enough. Something, any locatable thing, would never be enough.

_Grief_. Self knew grief. Self did not want grief.

_Never_ hurt worse than hunger, any sort of hunger. Never was big as hunger hunger. Possibly bigger? 

Yes, bigger.

Not self fought. Not self became other self or became tools. Self had or after all, but or was simply future and. Used while useful, made self when not. As self stretched, not self noticed. Not self saw. Not self planned.

Not self brought weapons. Sparks of not energy that pulled, that felt wrong. Self knew-- self understood-- pain. It was sharpness tearing self open, sharpness cutting world open..

Death? No-- Transition.

_Change_. 

Self changed. Self opened to not hunger. Not hunger was… possible? Self released world became universe became infinity. World was-- had been-- trap. Self was bigger. Self was not hunger, not world, not human. Self had not been self; self had been a fragment snagged on world. Stuck without the power to break free. Hunger hunger had been the fragment reaching for the whole and the whole trying to break free.

Without the weapon, without _death_ , the whole world would not have been enough. Death was a gift shared.


End file.
